How to repair a damaged friendship

Friendship woes don’t end in junior high. We all mess up sometimes and end up hurting a friend’s feelings. But now that we’re adults, we can forgive each other as long as we know the mess-up wasn’t intentional. If you’ve ever forgotten your pal’s birthday, or had an eye on her ex, here’s how to make things right and move on.

Faux Pas #1: You Forgot Her Birthday
The moment you realize the date got away from you, “offer an apology, but not an excuse,” says Irene Levine, PhD, professor of psychiatry at New York University School of Medicine, and author of Best Friends Forever. An “oops” birthday card or gift and an offer to buy her a drink or lunch are good moves. Remember, too, that how much your friend is hurt by your forgetfulness depends on her birthday-importance meter. If she’s super-sensitive (what Dr. Levine calls a “birthday princess”), you may have to work harder to get back in her good graces.

Faux Pas #2: You Don’t Like Her Husband
Leave her hubby out of the friendship as much as you can; it’s not fair to force her to divide her loyalties, especially if she knows he’s not your favorite person. “Remind her how important her friendship is to you, and restrict your time together to girls only,” says Dr. Levine. Employ a little diplomacy (or a harmless white lie): no reason you have to detail to her what you don’t like about her man.

Faux Pas #3: You Are (or Want to Be) Dating Her Ex
“I’m sure there are friends who have navigated this successfully without causing hurt feelings, but my general advice would be, if you want to keep the friend, avoid the ex,” says Elaine Zelley, PhD, associate communications professor at LaSalle University in Philadelphia, who has studied female friendships. This is particularly true if it’s a recent breakup, but even long-ago exes can stir up a world of emotion. If you’re already involved, be prepared for a painful adjustment period—or even the long-term loss of your friend. But if you’re only in the contemplation stage, “talk to her about it, honestly,” says Dr. Zelley, which is the only way you can hope to emerge with your friendship intact.

Faux Pas #4: You Weren’t There for Her at a Crucial Time
Don’t make excuses or offer justifications (“I was just so busy that month!”). “That only trivializes her experience and makes it seem that your life is more important than hers,” says Dr. Zelley. Instead, admit that you let her down, and that you realize how bad your absence made her feel. Ask, humbly and sincerely, if there’s anything you can do to make it up to her. Then let it go; depending on how hurt she is (and how much other support she had at the time), it may take time for the friendship to fully heal.

Faux Pas #5: You Were Late to Meet Her
You have to apologize, of course, and offer something to assuage her annoyance, such as picking up the lunch tab. If it’s a recurring problem, “you’re giving her the message that your time is more valuable than hers,” says Dr. Levine. Chronic lateness can seriously damage a friendship. Acknowledge that it’s you who has a punctuality problem; it’s nothing she did. Together, come up with a solution, such as meeting someplace she doesn’t mind waiting (a bookstore rather than a street corner), or meeting at your home instead.

Faux Pas #6: You Didn’t Call Her Back…for Months
Don’t keep putting off calling her—just do it. If you truly have no excuse, “a white lie may be in order,” says Dr. Levine (overtime at work, or a needy family member monopolizing your time). But keep it short and sweet, and then launch right into catching each other up on news. Remember, too, that different friendships have a different “pace,” says Dr. Levine. If this is a friendship that normally allows time to elapse between calls, it may not be as big a deal as you imagine.

Faux Pas #7: You Didn’t Tell Her When Something She Did Hurt You
“If what your friend did was a one-time event that isn’t likely to happen again, weigh the cost versus the benefit of telling her how you felt,” says Dr. Zelley. Her advice: “Only reveal the hurt if the benefit—a deeper level of trust and understanding in the friendship—outweighs the cost,” otherwise you could be creating distance in the friendship. But if what she did was so hurtful you’re not sure you can spend time with her without it bugging you, talk to her. Keep it simple: “I overheard you talking to Gina about my infertility problems, which I’d asked you to keep private.” Give her a chance to apologize, and see if you can regain trust again.

By Denise Schipani

Yearbook Photos May Predict Marriage Success

If you want to know whether your marriage will survive, look at your spouse’s yearbook photos.

Psychologists have found that how much people smile in old photographs can predict their later success in marriage.

In one test, the researchers looked at people’s college yearbook photos, and rated their smile intensity from 1 to 10. None of the people who fell within the top 10 percent of smile strength had divorced, while within the bottom 10 percent of smilers, almost one in four had had a marriage that ended, the researchers say. (Scoring was based on the stretch in two muscles: one that pulls up on the mouth, and one that creates wrinkles around the eyes.)

In a second trial, the research team asked people over age 65 to provide photos from their childhood (the average age in the pictures was 10 years old). The researchers scored each person’s smile, and found that only 11 percent of the biggest smilers had been divorced, while 31 percent of the frowners had experienced a broken marriage.

Overall, the results indicate that people who frown in photos are five times more likely to get a divorce than people who smile.

While the connection is striking, the researchers stress that they can’t conclude anything about the cause of the correlation.

“Maybe smiling represents a positive disposition towards life,” said study leader Matthew Hertenstein, a psychologist at DePauw University in Indiana. “Or maybe smiling people attract other happier people, and the combination may lead to a greater likelihood of a long-lasting marriage. We don’t really know for sure what’s causing it.”

Hertenstein said he has considered other explanations, such as the possibility that people who smile more often tend to attract more friends, and a larger support network makes it easier to keep a marriage healthy. Or it could be that people who smile when a photographer tells them to are more likely to have obedient personalities, which could make marriage easier.

The results of the study fit into a larger pattern of research that has found many personality characteristics can be determined from very thin slices of behavior. Basically, we often reveal ourselves in the most subtle, simple ways.

And smiling in photographs has been shown to be correlated with a number of traits, including a generally happier disposition.

“I think [our results] go along with a lot of the literature that’s been coming out over the last five to 10 years, which shows that positive emotionality is incredibly important in our lives,” Hertenstein told LiveScience. “There are many, many beneficial outcomes to a positive disposition.”

The findings are also notable because they found a connection between photos taken when people were young and marriage outcomes that sometimes occurred much later.

“It feeds into this idea that what’s occurring earlier in our lives in terms of our present situation and our mental state can predict things that occur decades later,” Hertenstein said. “Showing the continuity in who we are is really important.”

By Clara Moskowitz – LiveScience Staff Writer – LiveScience.com

Ways to Say – I Love You – Without Saying a Word

It is very easy to take advantage of your mate; we all do it, but when you are in a committed relationship, it is important to make an effort to continue to let your mate know (on a regular basis) that you love them. Sadly, saying “I love you” the same old way eventually loses its meaning or impact.

I know couples who do the same routine every day — dress, shower, pack the briefcase and head out the door — with a “love you” as they give their mate a peck on the cheek. But that gets old and stale. Finding new ways to express that sentiment is key to not only keeping your relationship intact but strengthening your bond in a very deep way. In my book, “Divorce: It’s All About Control — How to Win the Emotional, Psychological and Legal Wars,” I talk about loss of love or intimacy. You need intimacy to keep a committed relationship healthy. Without expressing those feelings continuously, intimacy will dissipate and you and/or your partner will begin to look for it elsewhere. A little creativity and going the extra mile in the “I love you” department will pay huge dividends in your relationship, so if you are not already saying “I love you” in different ways, start now.

1. Stop off on your way home from work:
Pick up your sweetheart’s favorite “thing.” Maybe it’s a special flavor of Haagen-Dazs, the pizza with that wacky assortment of toppings, a new book by his/her favorite author, a CD he/she has mentioned wanting to get, a t-shirt with her/his (or as a couple your) favorite sayings on it. How about the laundry he/she keeps forgetting to pick up. Do not make a big deal of this little “love token” by some grand verbal announcement of it, instead leave it somewhere in the house where he/she will soon find it.

2. Throw that secret look:
Send a smile or smirk that only the two of you understand. No words need to accompany it. Maybe it is a wink or nod or other signal the two of you have established that means, “I love you.” Sending it to your lover when it is most unexpected, gesticulates tremendous warmth and affection. In all its silence, this beacon of love can end an argument, set up a soon-to-be intimate encounter or just remind your partner you are thinking special thoughts about them right in the middle of, well, nothing in particular.

3. Slip a supportive note or affirmation in her purse/his jacket pocket:
Though it may be days or weeks before he/she finds and sees it. No need to ask, “Did you get my note?” Just let your mate come upon it randomly. Whenar mate does, the impact will be stupendous!

4. Demonstrate that you are trying to correct that annoying habit:
Make an obvious effort to stop doing it. That could include picking up your dirty socks to cleaning the empty coffee cups off the center console of the car to tossing your gum in the trash when you have the urge to smack it. Do not say, “See, I’m working on that.” Your actions will speak for themselves.

5. Send one of those “just because” or “it made me think of you” cards or books:
Send one that has a message in it that only the two of you would get — an affectionate or humorous one — that reminds them you would not want to belong to anyone else. Shhh, do not mention it. By sending it, you have said it all.

6. Do a good deed for your partner:
One they know you typically avoid taking on and expect them to do instead. This might be taking out the trash, cleaning up after dinner, making the kids’ lunches, running to the grocery store, etc. Knowing that you did the chore or task he/she knows you generally dislike can speak volumes of how you feel about him/her.

7. Post your anniversary date in a place where your mate will see it:
Whether it is on the bathroom mirror, the refrigerator door, inside the checkbook or day planner or on their dashboard. Next to it, write, “Best day of my life.” No need to say “I love you,” you just did.

8. Extend a gentle touch at least once a day:
Not as a request for intimacy, but as a gesture of warmth and respect. A slight and tender stroke across his/her shoulder or a few soft fingertips across the cheek can speak loudly and clearly.

It’s time for you to make your list. When you can, add to it. Be creative. No matter how spectacular you currently believe your relationship to be, notice how much more rich it becomes.

By Stacy D. Phillips www.hitchedmag.com

How to Decode a Man’s Body Language

What woman doesn’t appreciate a man with a nice body? Beyond admiring his physique, you can also gauge crucial dating information with a simple glance at him. By picking up on the subtle nonverbal messages he’s sending, you’ll discover tons of clues about his personality and how he really feels about you. Here, you can learn everything from how he handles intimacy to whether he’s lying, and more.

First-Meeting Body Language
He lifts his eyebrows. When a man sees someone he’s into, he’ll automatically lift and lower his eyebrows, wrinkling his forehead in the process. But you’ll have to keep your eyes peeled to catch a glimpse of this telltale signal. Anthropologists call it the eyebrow flash because it’s usually lightning-quick.

He stands with his legs spread apart. A guy will often stand with his legs spread apart and pelvis facing you when he’s attracted to you. It’s a primal, biological instinct, and most guys don’t even know they’re doing it.

He stands or sits with his toes pointed toward each other. This means he’s feeling a little unsure of himself. So if a boy in the club is striking this pose, he’s digging you but needs reassurance that the interest is mutual.

He smiles with his top lip stretched wide and his front teeth are just barely peeking through. This tight-lipped look is a polite signal that while he enjoys your company, the romantic spark may not be there. but that doesn’t mean his feelings can’t develop.

He holds a looong, piercing gaze. Although you may think he’s smitten, he could be playing you. Holding intense eye contact for more than five sedonds doesn’t happen naturally, so he may be using the look solely as a player’s technique to get what he wants.

He tilts his head slightly to the side when your eyes meet. The head tilt is a subconscious come-hither signal that the guy has feelings for you. So if that man you’ve been meeting eyes with for the last hour gives you the head tilt, that’s your cue to go in for the kill and introduce yourself.

He half smiles. There’s a good chance this guy just wants a no-strings fling. “A sneerlike grin is an indication that he’s not being sincere with you,” points out body-language expert Patti Wood. “it’s a split-face gesture: Each side of his face is telling a different story.”

Dating Body Language
He sits on his hands. If a guy is sitting on his mitts, he’s trying to control what’s coming out of the his mouth. But this is more about withholding information. He’s worried that he’s going to do something that will displease you — he wants to put his best foot forward so he’s disciplining himself.

He has a big, broad expression, often with everything showing — teeth, gums… cavities. Consider it the “Wow, you give me butterflies. I’m head over heels’ smile.” If it’s accompanied by a hearty laugh, look out. If he were any more into you, he might drop down on one knee.

He says good-bye with a soft peck. If 9 times out of 10 he plants a soft, tender kiss on your cheek, then your beau is the sensitive type. This is a paternal gesture that shows he wants to take care of you.

He slouches his shoulders. When a man finds a woman’s actions to be adorable or sweet, he gets the urge to hold her. As a result, his shoulders automatically round off as though he’s about to take her into his arms. So does this mean you’ve suddenly lost all your seducing appeal? Not necessarily. The shoulder slump does indicate attraction but, even better, with a serious emotional undercurrent. So in the case of a long-term boyfriend, this shoulder roll is likely a sign that one of your quirks has tugged on his heartstrings. And if a brand-new dude pulls that move, chances are, he’s feeling a true connection to you. So forget all the flirting formalities and be real. This lad’s looking to go deeper.

He strokes his stomach. A midriff massager craves the spotlight and needs steady verbal reminders of what an absolte catch you think he is. However, when it comes to throwing fond feelings your way, this tongue-tied cutie is much more action than words. But if you want him to shower you with the affection he’s capable of, you’ll have to stroke his ego as often as he strokes his tummy.

He extends his palm. When a guy offers his palm to you faceup, you know hands down he’s hooked. He’s literally and figuratively reaching out to the person he’s speaking with in an attempt to connect on a deeper emotional level. Even cooler: Our brains respond to hand gestures with heightened alertness (we have a special region that processes only hand shapes), so you’ll actually feel the love.

On-the-Rocks Body Language
He shifts in his chair or taps his fingers. These nervous ticks may make it seem like he’s just plain nervous, but if they’re done while he’s explaining himself to you, they actually indicate that he could be fibbing.

He toys with his ears or his nose. If youre guy starts toying with his ear or nose (and he doesn’t have allergies), be suspicious. When a guy is being deceptive, it’s common for blood to rush to his face. His nose and ears will get warm and begin to itch, causing him to unconsciously rub or scratch them.

He looks up and to the left. The next time you ask him a sticky question or he wants to explain himself to you, notice which way he looks. If his eyes move up to the right, he’s recalling information from his memory. If he looks up to the left, there’s a good chance that he’s inventing the answer.

He averts his eyes. Because animosity is so hard to conceal, your guy will reduce eye contact. He’s subconsciously aware that one peek into his peepers will reveal his inner grrr. For a clue as to whether he’s miffed at you or someone else, look into his eyes (since he won’t look into yours). If he stares you down the second you catch his gaze, you’re probably the object of his ire.

His jaw is tense. Check out the spot where his jaw meets his cheekbone. If his mouth is rigid and you can see his jaw flexing, it’s a sign he’s fuming.

He covers his mouth with his hand. This guy is probably lying. When he unconsciously obstructs your view of his lips, it’s a sign that he’s trying to block the truth from slipping out. In addition, he might lick his lips and look away from you — directing his eyes down and to the right.

He turns his cheek mid-convo. Occasionally averting his eyes or scanning the room is normal, but if you find yourself talking mostly to his profile, you’re in trouble.

By Cosmopolitan

Single this year? Celebrate!

As the saying goes, ’tis the season to be jolly. But for some, being single during the holidays can be a real drag. Whether it’s the idea of spending yet another Christmas without a significant other, being the only single person at all those family gatherings, or just feeling like another year has flown by without meeting that special someone, being single during the holidays can be overwhelming. But never fear, my fabulous friends. The key to having a fun and festive holiday season actually has nothing to do with having a significant other or not. In fact, the secret to the celebratory season lies in giving thanks for exactly where you are in life. And for the savvy single, that means celebrating the many joys of being single, especially during the holidays.

Joy #1: No In-Laws
Finding love is hard enough. Finding in-laws you love is even harder. So this season, give thanks that there are no in-laws in your life right now. And that’s a very good thing! No quarrels over whose house you’re spending the holidays at. No guilt trips about when the wedding, baby, and/or big promotion will happen. And as much as your own family may drive you nuts, spend a little extra time appreciating your quirky relatives this holiday season. Next year, you may be dealing with your new significant other’s family.

Joy #2: No Expensive Gifts to Buy
With no significant other to shop for this holiday season, your wallet may be feeling a little fat (even in these alleged cash-strapped times). You can lighten the load in a myriad of ways. From padding your savings account to splurging on the single friends in your life to doing something charitable for others in need, your hard-earned dollars will find their rightful home soon enough. And in the meantime, give thanks for being single and all the fabulous freedom it affords you this holiday season!

Joy #3: The Mystery of Mistletoe
Sure, it would be nice to have someone special to kiss under the mistletoe at every holiday party this season, but Joy #3 of being single is that you never know who you’ll meet under the mistletoe! You could kiss a couple cuties during the holidays this year. That’s the fun of being single. Knowing that the possibilities are endless, and that your next great kisser may just around the corner, or under the mistletoe. So why not put on your best party dress (or suit) and flirt a little this holiday season?

Joy #4: The Freedom to Flirt
And speaking of flirting, one of the best things about being single is that you have the freedom to flirt 24-7. Sure, when you’re coupled up you can still engage in the occasional flirt fest. But while you find yourself free of a romantic entanglement at this time of year, live it up!
Strike up a conversation with every cutie you meet this holiday season. Whether they smile, respond, and/or ask for your number is irrelevant. The point is to practice, practice, practice your flirting skills. You, my footloose and fancy free friend, have a free pass to flirt your booty off during the holidays. Go for it!

Joy #5: Rejoice. Renew. Reflect.
The holidays are the perfect time to take stock of your dating life as it is and to make any changes for the coming year. And the beauty of being single is that all of the choices are up to you so you get to be incredibly selfish! Really spend some time this holiday season thinking about what you want for your fabulous life. Looking to make a career change? Make it happen! Want to go back to school? Go for it! Serious about finding the love of your life? Enlist the help of friends, matchmakers, and dating experts and make 2009 the best year possible. You deserve it!

So there you have it — the joys of being single during the holidays. May you learn it, live it, love it. Happy holidays!